Late in the summer, my friend J and I went on a 24 hour trip to Jasper. It was one of those perfect road trips. Spontaneous, perfectly timed, much needed, problem free and good weather. And the perfect camping spot.

We went on a day hike.

.sitting at valley of the five lakes.

We got kinda goofy.

.getting goofy hiking out of valley of the five lakes. classic me pose.

And we laughed and cried and drank some beer. And the next day I came home relaxed and decided.

.windy hair on the drive home.

I could really use another road trip right about now. Some good road music, campfire (although I suppose we have vacated that season), general awayness.

Fingers crossed I can get a couple days off in early December and head up to Calgary to visit Miss E!

So today did not go as hoped. My family went to the hospital today for the family meeting regarding my grandpa’s future. And boy were we prepared. We had four different schedules that we had made up depending on what kind of needs they thought he would have. We were all prepared to drop everything and help him out.

And they just wouldn’t have it. As each of the professionals went through their individual reports, you could feel the energy level in the room plummet. I don’t think that we have been in denial in regards to his situtuation. We’re all pretty aware of how things have changed, of how he has changed. But as doctor after doctor gave us their thoughts on what his immediate future should look like, it became clear that we may have been too optimistic.

They completely shot down our ideas of how we could make it possible for him to come home.

Now he will bump around from home to home for a few months until he’s able to get into a veteran’s hospital way, way, way on the other side of town.

I have to say that he took it better than any of us. Which, while it was hard to see, was also really good. He’s more accepting of his situation than any of the rest of us. He’s really disappointed that his independant days are over, and that his home is no longer his home. But he knows better than us how he’s really doing. And if he’s okay with it then I guess our job is now to make the upcoming transitions as easy for him as possible.

While there is a little piece of me that is slightly relieved that I won’t be playing nurse, I’m also feeling pretty crushed. He’s my last grandparent, and I’m just not ready to accept these changes. But I’m working on it.

My life has been changing a lot lately.Relationships, living arrangements, life plans, new possibilities, family…

And tomorrow, there is the chance that it could change again. And drastically.

As we all know, about five months or so ago, I struck out on my own once again. And I’m loving it. There’s ups, there’s downs, but it’s good. I’ve been on dates, and more, and I’m expanding my friend base.

I applied for a job in San Fransisco. And while I expect nothing, I did happen to get an email from them saying that they received my resume and it has been forwarded on to the next round. And that’s cool.Really, all I’m hoping is that they’ll pay for me to go out for an interview and I’ll get to go to San Fransisco. And that would be amazing.

But tomorrow, it could all change. Tomorrow I go to a family meeting at the rehabilitation hospital that my grandpa’s currently in. And if they take my suggestion, then my grandpa gets to go home. And I  will move in with him. Not permenantly, not even for real. But I would spend my free time and days off taking care of him. I’m going to offer to being there once every day. Usualy in the evenings to get him fed and to bed. And some days in the morning to get him up and moving. And for full days on my days off.

My friends think I’m nuts.

But the thing is, I love my grandpa.

And I would go to the ends of the earth to help him. And now it’s time to help him. I think I mentioned before that he recently had a stroke (which unfortunately fell only a few days before his son died). It has been an incredibly rough month. But now, with some rehab under his belt, the hospital he’s in feels he is too well to stay there. But he is not well enough to go home. More specifically, he’s not well enough to go home alone. He lives with his other son, but my uncle works out of town. A lot.  And in that situation, as is, my grandpa couldn’t be there. He just can’t do enough for himself any more. His legs don’t work, his arms don’t fully work. But more heartbreaking is that his mind doesn’t work.

He was amazing. Perfect. The best. My only remaining grandpa and the only grandparent I’d been able to watch grow older without withering away. And one stroke later and there his is. Whithering. He has no short term memory and little recall of names. But more noticable is his mood. He’s grumpy. My entire life, I knew that if nothing else, my grandpa would be there with a smile for me. Of it all, I miss his good humor the most.

When my grandma (his wife) was dying of Lou Gherig’s disease six years ago, I cared for her. I cooked and cleaned. I bathed her and fed her and we laughed and cried. Later I cleaned her feeding tube and wiped her drool. And we laughed and we cried and we tried to make it all bearable. But more importantly, it allowed her to stay home as long as possible. It gave her those last few moments of dignity.

When my other grandmother (my paternal grandma) had an evil combination of Alzheimer’s and dimentia, I did not care for her.She was put in a home, and we let strangers care for her. And when she died, I hadn’t seen her in a year. And for that, I’m not entirely willing to forgive myself.

So am I doing this out of guilt? Maybe. But more, I want to be able to offer my grandpa those last few moments of dignity. I want him to be able to go home, and find that comfort zone again. If his life is going to be forever changed, wouldn’t it be nice if he was able to find some constants? Some rememnants of a life that is no more?

I went for beers with my friends tonight and was telling them about this. And while they didn’t try to talk me out of it, they made it clear that they do support me but don’t necessarily support this decision. Does that make sense? I get that they want the best for me, but I hope that they understand that what’s best for me might also be what’s best for him.

Is this a drunken blog post? Maybe a little. Is it a way of not crying into my pillow in utter terror of how I may go from finally getting the swing of my new life to hitching my post, albeit temporarily, to a dying old man? Absolutely. But I can’t help but love him with my entire hear;, he is the centre of my family. And I need to know that I have done every thing I can to love and support him the the same way that he has loved and supported me. By no means is he a perfect man. But he has loved me completely,  fully aware of my imperfections.

So wish me luck.

Now here is a bike helmet that I would gladly wear. I know I should wear a helmet while cruising around on my beloved two-wheeler, they just all look so plain and, well, dorky. This chrome dome, on the other hand, is different and has a certain style to it. I dig.

(Bern Helmet)

I found this at one of my new favorite blogs, A Cup of Jo. One of the other fantastic things I saw on her blog today was a link to step by step instructions on how to achieve that perfectly messy bun. I’m always a fan of the bun, but could never quite figure out how to do it up all messy.

(super cute hair)

And while Experience Parisienne (yes, the Yves Saint Laurent perfume website) says the hair should be dirty so that it is all textury, I think I’ll try it on some squeaky clean hair tomorrow as it is shower day.

Tonight I made the horrible mistake of forgetting to order decaf coffee far too late in the day. At 6pm I bought a delicious Christmasy coffee and it wasn’t until I was walking and talking along Saskatchewan Drive that I remembered – I’m not supposed to be drinking any caffein right now let alone in the evening! So here I find myself, at 2:51 am. Wide awake. Thus far this evening I have watched the entire first season of Californication (thoroughly enjoyable), done some painting, and tried to lull myself into believing I’m tired. No go.

At this point in the night/morning, I’m starting to think that playing hookey from work tomorrow would be good. Spend the day pottering around, buy new paint, have french toast for lunch (and possibly dinner) and watch some movies. We’ll see.

The past few days have been more good than bad. And that’s totally saying something. But I had Saturday off! And this is huge, as it’s one of only a handful of Saturdays that I haven’t worked in the past year. And I don’t work this Saturday either! It’s amazing! And knowing that I had Saturday off, I spent the time pre-work on Thursday and Friday running around and getting all my errands done. This way my days off (Sat and Mon) would be totally my own.

Of course, having Saturday off, I wanted to make sure I put Friday night to good use. So I called up one of my ladies and we headed to our favorite pub for a bevy of bevvies. Pretty much all  of my friends went to see Louis CK on Friday night. This was a show that I was originally supposed to go to. And had been oh so very excited. But as the splitting of ‘our’ posessions went on, I completely forgot about those tickets. But I figured that it wasn’t the worst thing. And as I assumed he was going to the show, I thought little else of it. Until, that is, we ran into some friends post CK and they mentioned that he had not gone to the show. Now maybe the tickets were never purchased in the first place, maybe he sold them. I  don’t know. But if he had them and chose not to use them… well, let’s just say I know one girl who would have bought them. Le sigh.

(Louis CK – Everything’s Amazing and Nobody’s Happy)

But back to my story. We visited and laughed and stayed out very late. After L’Act closed, a few of us came back to my pad and hung out until about, oh, 4am. And we all know how easy it is to just wake up and go the following morning. Morning. Ha! I spent half of Saturday in bed. But it was followed by a beautiful drive and a trip to Ikea. Not half bad.

Sunday was just pure chaos. I completely forgot the alarm code for the shop and set the alarm screaming moments after I unlocked the door. Then some randome stranger walking down the Ave asked if he coudl touch my hair. Despite my firm ‘No’, touch he did. Ew! But then that was followed by coffee with an old girlfriend from highschool. Which was delightful! It was one of those visits where it doesn’t feel as though ten years had passed since our last conversation. Things just fell smoothly into place as though we had spoken only months ago.

But yesterday totally took the cake. I slept in a bit. Went grocery shopping. Made gingerbread dough. Went for dinner with my fam at my absolute favorite restaurant. Rolled out my dough and baked awesome wildlife shaped gingerbread cookies. Then I finished (at least I think it’s finished) a painting that I’ve been working on for the last week.

I’m experimenting with texturing my canvas and then painting over that. This was the first foray into the glue/tissue/paint combo and I like it! I want to add some buttons onto it , but I’m not sure where and worry it might take too much focus away from the main image.

(Burning for Daylight)

Not the greatest shot of it. But good enough for now. And the part of the bird inside the red isn’t white, it’s a shimmery silver. All in all, I’m pretty pleased with this one.

And tomorrow brings me five hours of time and a half and a second first date!  It’s interesting, because I’m definitely not in a place where I’m ready to meet someone that I really like. But I’m enjoying meeting people and hearing their stories. I’ve always been a pretty social person, and I’m having so much being social in a new way!

I’ve been dreaming lately of how I really want my apartment to look so that when I am able to acquire new bits here and there, they’re all heading in the same direction.
And I’ve had pitchers on the mind. Much like this piece. When I read it it gave me little shivers and images of crisp white sheets, Sunday newspapers, slippers and coffee and toast in bed.

.Pride and Prejudice and Pitchers.

I was poking around on Etsy when I came across Brookish’s site. Having liked Pride and Prejudice the first time and getting a real kick our of Pride andPrejudice and Zombies, I’ve enjoyed the resurgence of P&P related paraphanelia. This mug is great.

.Lovely for nothing.

Have I ever mentioned how cool my little brother is? He happened by where I work this evening just as I was closing up. We were chatting about his accident, and his latest lady. He asked waht I was doing tonight, and I reluctantly told him that I had a date. And while I won’t go into details as to how this fella and I met, tonight was “first date” night.

Let me share some details about me first. I hate meeting new people. I get nervous, and when I get nervous, my hands shake. A lot. And I become convinced that you can actually see my heart trying to beat out of my chest. And my brain suddenly can’t figure out what to say. There’s also the whole debate over what to wear. I have a lot of great individual pieces of clothing that I love, but they don’t really mesh into a great “this is who I am” outfit.

So I got my brother to drive me home and then sit there while I frantically tried on outfit after outfit. And y’know, he gives really good clothing advice! He’s willing to take the sibling relationship out of it and tell me what honestly looks good and what message it conveys. Wit his help, I settled on this:

.first date threads.

Not the greatest photo, but time was short. I settled on my favorite boots, my new short grey skirt and a blue cowl-necked shirt wtih (gasp) a belt over top. I’m not really a belt over the shirt kinda gal, but it looked good!

And the date? Well, it wasn’t awkward, the conversation flowed (possibly spurred on by the beer we drank) and he made me laugh. Was there a spark? No. But it was great to get out there and realize that I can still do this.

What was funny was the fact that when I looked around the bar, I saw some of my friends! So I’m sure I’ll have to share stories with them later, but that’s part of the fun, right?

All in all, I’d say it was a success.

This is the “I have not internet” post. And will therefore be brief.

Halloween? A bust. I worked, then went home and fell asleep at the kitchen table. Sleeping through my favorite holiday of the year? Crummy. Finally catching up on some sleep? Almost priceless.

The upcoming date? Nervous. But am looking at it more like practice than a chance to make a real connection. Tomorrow will bring a fashion show with J so she can tell me what to wear that is both flirty and comfy.

Damage deposit? Arrived. But of the $850 paid originally, only $300 was returned. Bullshit? Totally.

Work? Am now the manager. Bigger paycheque? Marginally. Added responisbility? I get to do ordering. Feeling less embarassed about my job? Totally.

Friends? Slowly coming back.

Life? Looking up.

So why is it that while the rest of the world is freaking out over H1N1, I’m being tested for Mono? I’ll tell you why. Because I’m in this stupid little bubble of shittiness right now.

I finally received my damage deposit and was apalled to see that it was less than half of what had originally been paid to them. So now I realy will have to take it to the Landlord/Tenant board to try to get at least a couple hundred dollars extra out of them. And in a week or so I have to pack up my entire apartment while they search for bedbugs. No, our building doesn’t have them, but the company that owns it has some other, slightly more slummish buildings that do. And my brother was in a car accident a couple days ago – got in a car with a drunk friend, passed out and said drunk driving friend proceded to go on a two hour joy ride with brother bear asleep in the passenger seat. A serious concussion, soft tissue damage and possibly some broken ribs later I’m hoping he’s learned that lesson. Oh yeah, and one of my new coworkers has H1N1 so I’ve been working all day, every day for pretty much the whole week. While my bank account will appreciate the extra coin, I’m tired!

I think things would really be looking up if I could sleep, get my internet hooked up (yes, I’m still stealing it) or even get a call back for one of the jobs I’ve applied for.

I hate to be in this whiny, weepy place but I’m having problems pulling myself out.

But there is a glimmer of light ahead. That’s right folks, I have a date on Tuesday. Fingers crossed I haven’t totally lost that side of myself and won’t make a total ass of myself.Keep y’all posted.

Happy Halloweening! I’m going to spend the evening with my friends and their new baby. Low key and family fun? Sign me right up!

I promise there won’t be many more of these awful posts. Once I get some sleep, I’ll be able to cope just a little bit more.

Now, I may have the benefit of plenty of eye candy at my local grocery store. And that makes my shopping experience, well, beautiful if nothing else.

But why doesn’t something like this ever happen at Safeway?!?

(found….)