Feelings.

Okay, are you ready for it? Because this one gets into feelings and all that gooey crap that goes with growing up. So don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I realized something the other day, and it’s taken me until today to really be able to put my finger on it and say this is what is bothering me. And to be able to say that without feeling like a great big baby.

Here is what I figured out. In three weeks, I will, for the first time in my life, not be a student.And, what’s more, instead of feeling pure elation, instead, I’m scared. I mean, I’m really scared. For 28 years, I’ve been going to school, complaining about teachers, students, deadlines, exams. For 28 years I’ve existed in this little bubble that most of my friends escaped from years ago. This bubble which, despite my constant complaining, I seem to have taken my time in getting out of. And now that the great escape is right on the horizon, I’m realizing that I think I might have missed a few steps along the way.

Sure, I’ve been able to check off being party animal, being slightly promiscuous, pulling all nighters. I’ve made new friends and lost both old and new friends. I’ve grown a lot. But I think, in some ways, I’m still a little girl.

I realized that I never completely learned how to deal with my feelings. With the way that I feel about me, about the people around me, about specific and general things. I never know how to tell anyone how I am really, actually feeling about something without first taking into consideration how they feel and how my feelings will affect them. So there’s always been a filter through which I express myself. And because of that filter, I’ve never really had to figure out what I really like, what I really want or  (and this is the newly frightening part) who I really am.

Today I figured out that this gloom that has been following me, this funk, isn’t just because of end of semester stress. Because it isn’t just the end of semester. It’s the end of school. In September there will be no ‘back to school’.

And once I remove the “Student” stamp from my forehead, I’m not sure what will replace it. And I’m not really sure how to figure that out.

So I add a 19th item to my list.

My list:

1-Learn to walk in heels (and maybe even enjoy wearing them!).

2-Take the class that came with my sewing machine so that I can really use it and use it well.

3- Get fit so that I don’t look back with regret on my wedding photos and so that I can keep up with my soon-to-be husband on our honeymoon. We’ve decided on a 5 day canoe trip through Algonquin park. Honeymoon delayed as we are now, possibly, planning on going camping with all our friends who are coming out from Ontario instead.

4-Have as much of a stress-free wedding as possible.

5-Complete said canoe trip through Algonquin park. (Okay, this now won’t be before my next birthday, but I’m keeping it in here to make sure it doesn’t totally float away from the realm of possibility.)

6-Call my grandfather at least once a week.

7- Find a pair of pants that aren’t jeans that I can be comfortable in.

8-Graduate from college.

9-Have my friends over for dinner more often.

10-Plant a ‘box garden’ on my patio.

11-Get a job that allows me to pay the bills and then have some left over for the luxuries. Like groceries.

12- Put some serious thought into the idea of compiling all the stories of my grandmother’s life into a book.

13- Keep the kitchen stocked with bread flour so we can start using our bread maker again. Nothing beats home made bread!

14- Finish the knitting project I started while I was home sick. Hopefully it will be cowl-like. Done!

15- Get a camera. Nothing fancy, one that I can use will help me take better pictures.

16-Find out if the reason I’ve been sick for the past year really is due to mold in our apartment. (This will have to wait until after school is done).

17- Be more open with my fianky in terms of what I feel and what I want.

18-Sew a shirt and skirt. Not necessarily matching, but an outfit nonetheless.

19- Figure out what it is I want to do and be. And that might be by figuring out what it is that I don’t want to do or be. And I realize this isn’t an overnight thing and more of a constantly chipping away at thing. And I’m okay with that.

Confession.

Okay. I have a confession to make. Until recently, quite recently, I really had no idea what “Where the Wild Things Are” was. I had the vague notion that it was a kids’ book. A kids’ book that I think might have been during my prime kids’ book time. One of those things (books/TV shows/movies/games/trends) that I totally missed out on.

I saw the preview for the movie that is coming out, well, sometime soonish.

Yeah, that preview right there. And while I really still have no idea what it’s really about or when the story originated, I do have some ideas about the movie. There’s some hope, and a dash of fear, a heap of adventure, some wildness. Yes, it was from a book. There are Hallowe’en type costumes. Some miniature models of boats and, well, monsters.

All that, combined with the fact that it managed to tug at my heartstrings tell me that I will most likely end up seeing this move. As well as the fact that I feel compelled to read this book, even if just to make up for that lost childhood experience.