Feelings.

Okay, are you ready for it? Because this one gets into feelings and all that gooey crap that goes with growing up. So don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I realized something the other day, and it’s taken me until today to really be able to put my finger on it and say this is what is bothering me. And to be able to say that without feeling like a great big baby.

Here is what I figured out. In three weeks, I will, for the first time in my life, not be a student.And, what’s more, instead of feeling pure elation, instead, I’m scared. I mean, I’m really scared. For 28 years, I’ve been going to school, complaining about teachers, students, deadlines, exams. For 28 years I’ve existed in this little bubble that most of my friends escaped from years ago. This bubble which, despite my constant complaining, I seem to have taken my time in getting out of. And now that the great escape is right on the horizon, I’m realizing that I think I might have missed a few steps along the way.

Sure, I’ve been able to check off being party animal, being slightly promiscuous, pulling all nighters. I’ve made new friends and lost both old and new friends. I’ve grown a lot. But I think, in some ways, I’m still a little girl.

I realized that I never completely learned how to deal with my feelings. With the way that I feel about me, about the people around me, about specific and general things. I never know how to tell anyone how I am really, actually feeling about something without first taking into consideration how they feel and how my feelings will affect them. So there’s always been a filter through which I express myself. And because of that filter, I’ve never really had to figure out what I really like, what I really want or  (and this is the newly frightening part) who I really am.

Today I figured out that this gloom that has been following me, this funk, isn’t just because of end of semester stress. Because it isn’t just the end of semester. It’s the end of school. In September there will be no ‘back to school’.

And once I remove the “Student” stamp from my forehead, I’m not sure what will replace it. And I’m not really sure how to figure that out.

So I add a 19th item to my list.

My list:

1-Learn to walk in heels (and maybe even enjoy wearing them!).

2-Take the class that came with my sewing machine so that I can really use it and use it well.

3- Get fit so that I don’t look back with regret on my wedding photos and so that I can keep up with my soon-to-be husband on our honeymoon. We’ve decided on a 5 day canoe trip through Algonquin park. Honeymoon delayed as we are now, possibly, planning on going camping with all our friends who are coming out from Ontario instead.

4-Have as much of a stress-free wedding as possible.

5-Complete said canoe trip through Algonquin park. (Okay, this now won’t be before my next birthday, but I’m keeping it in here to make sure it doesn’t totally float away from the realm of possibility.)

6-Call my grandfather at least once a week.

7- Find a pair of pants that aren’t jeans that I can be comfortable in.

8-Graduate from college.

9-Have my friends over for dinner more often.

10-Plant a ‘box garden’ on my patio.

11-Get a job that allows me to pay the bills and then have some left over for the luxuries. Like groceries.

12- Put some serious thought into the idea of compiling all the stories of my grandmother’s life into a book.

13- Keep the kitchen stocked with bread flour so we can start using our bread maker again. Nothing beats home made bread!

14- Finish the knitting project I started while I was home sick. Hopefully it will be cowl-like. Done!

15- Get a camera. Nothing fancy, one that I can use will help me take better pictures.

16-Find out if the reason I’ve been sick for the past year really is due to mold in our apartment. (This will have to wait until after school is done).

17- Be more open with my fianky in terms of what I feel and what I want.

18-Sew a shirt and skirt. Not necessarily matching, but an outfit nonetheless.

19- Figure out what it is I want to do and be. And that might be by figuring out what it is that I don’t want to do or be. And I realize this isn’t an overnight thing and more of a constantly chipping away at thing. And I’m okay with that.

Jam.

No, not the delightful home made raspberry jam that my Aunt L gave us for Christmas. And not the bland kind you get in restaurants in those little containers with no expiry dates.

Not edible jam at all.

Rather, in a jam. As in I am. In a jam.

It’s this damned Tolkien class. Today I presented on The Farmer Giles of Ham. And it was fine. Not really deep or researched, but I talked about what he had told me to talk about. Myself and two other students presented, and at the end of the presentation portion of the class, he said “Now that we’re done with those three good, not great, but good presentations, we’ll move on to discussion”. I’m fine with good. To me, good is great.Good is far better than meh, and leaps and bounds beyond weak. Good is just fine. That part, obviously, was not the jam.

The jam came during the discussion portion. Which lasted just over two hours (why, oh why couldn’t our presentations had been longer than 15 minutes each!!).You see, as I think I have mentioned, I’m a Tolkien virgin. And being dropped into a 400 level English seminar class is rather like taking a senior level language class (say Latin or Greek) without ever taking the intro courses. I am truly in over my head because I do not speak the language. I’m trying, I’m using all the online sources I can find and am hoping to get my hands on some Cliff Notes for Tolkien material. But it’s not just the fact that I don’t comprehend it.

It’s the lack of comprehension combined with the sheer volume of material that he expects us to cover week to week. Even if this were my only class, I would still struggle with it. Even if this were my only class and I lived a life of leisure and didn’t have to work, I would still struggle with it.

And it’s obvious that I struggle. Because the other kids in my class are all English majors who have spent the past four years of their schooling memorizing Norse and Greek and Egyptian mythology. So not only do they simply understand the material, they are comparing each character and the relations between characters to their Norse/Greek/Egyptian/Celtic counter parts.

And that is what I mean by jam.

Interview.

My lovely friend A over at Miel et Cannelle was interviewed over on her blog (oh, please do check it out, I promise you won’t regret it) and, as I feel I am lacking in things to ramble on about, I volunteered to be interviewed as well. Feel like jumping on the 5 Question train? Read on…

1. If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying, “Interview
me.” (And your e-mail address, please.)
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone
else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them
five questions

We begin:

1. How long have you been blogging for? What keeps you doing it? I think I’ve been blogging for about 5 or so years. More off than on until Dreams and Schemes. Part of the reason I like blogging is because I’m not always that quick on my feet. I’m surrounded by wonderfully funny people (all very much involved in the theater community) and find that in the normal day-to-day conversations, my brain just fires at a much slower speed than theirs. This often leaves me laughing at my own jokes hours, maybe even days later. Jokes which I feel are funny but seem to be pulled out of the blue because I’m suddenly finding something witty to say in response to last week’s conversation. Also, I’m better (more comfortable) with written word than spoken word. I like to take my time, edit it when/where needed and make sure I’m really putting down on paper (or screen) what it is that I really mean to say. In conversations, I find I sometimes get so wrapped up in listening to what is being said that I fail to have a response and just sit there, feeling at a loss. Blogging allows me to take that time. Also, there is the (however imagined) sense of anonymity, only divulging what you want to be seen/heard/read/known about yourself.

2. I know two things a)you’re planning a wedding and b) you’re a student! If you were given $100,000 for a wedding, what would you do? And what WOULDN’T you do? Wow, that would be a delightfully glorious amount of money! As we are currently trying to stick to our $7500 budget (which to me still seems like a lot of money), we’re putting a lot of thought into ‘alternatives’; alternative catering, dress alternatives, different ways of making it very much our wedding without totally blowing the bank. If the magic cheque fairy appeared with $100,000 I think the first thing I would do is make sure we could have everyone we wanted be able to attend. As Mr.Circus is from Ontario (but the Maritimes originally), his family is spread out. So I think we would get them all out here, for sure. I think I would then, maybe, forgo using my mother’s dress and buy or have something beautiful made for me. I love that I am using my mom’s dress, but I have also fallen in love with parts of other dresses I have tried on. Yes, I would have a dress made (one that keeps the tummy in, the boobs up and still allows me to dance and breath). I wouldn’t change the location though, because I think the hall we are using is a good setting for us. It’s casual, it’s funky, it’s big. I think the big thing I would do, to make my life easier would be to hire a wedding consultant/planner. So much of what has to be done is just so foreign to me, it would, from time to time, be nice to have someone a little more experienced at the helm. As there is so little we have done for the wedding, I’m not really sure what else would go into my ‘would do with big bucks’ list. But I will come back to this as the big day gets closer.

3.This is your last semester of school – What advice would you give to somebody starting their first semester? If you are entering into your first semester, my only piece of advice would be (broken into smaller pieces) : Take a full course load, don’t take time off and get it done. If 4 or 5 courses is just too much, then yes, take 3, but don’t take less than 3. And don’t take a semester off here and there because the next thing you know, it’s 8 years later, you feel like a grandmother compared to your younger classmates and you’re still waiting to see what you’re going to do when you grow up. If you decide you’re in the wrong program or you change your mind part way through, that isn’t really something to stress over. But don’t take changing your mind as an excuse to quit or slack off (yes, totally speaking from experience). Just do it, and do it quickly. Also, do the readings, do the homework and go to class. Basics, and obvious, I know, but these are the things that I struggle with. Yes, those would be the incredibly basic aspects of being a student. Which is why I can’t wait to be done. Oh, also, get to know at least one librarian, find an advisor you’re comfortable with, know where the pub is and make a point of going in to see each prof at least once per semester (it makes them feel you’re committed even if you’re not and they will sometimes give you advice you didn’t even know you were seeking).

4. You’re a fabulously creative lady. Are there any design/style/craft trends that you’d like to see take hold in 2009? Any that
you’d like to see die off? I really like art that’s made with found objects, like incorporating old keys into the piece, or (as I’m in the process of doing) making something that revolves around a compass found on the street. When it’s a found object, you’re free to create a history or a future for that object, you can give it personality with more ease because you have no ties or memories linked to it. As someone who creates an emotional bond to most things I have (it’s sad really, and makes for a bit of pack-ratness), using something that I have found makes it easier to part with it but also gives me more freedom to be creative with it. I’m always a fan of mixed media work and steampunk. Steampunk is a little difficult to pull of in clothing styles if you’re not totally dedicated to it, but Jewels by Nature over at Etsy has got some amazing pieces of jewelery that I can’t stop ogling. I would love to see more people incorporating objects from the past into more modern styles – whether it be crafts/arts or clothing. Yes, it also plays into the DIY and refurbishing/reusing of clothing which is a trend that continues (and just might pick up steam if the economy totally goes into the crapper), but I also feel it’s a nod to those who have come before us. I have had so many older relatives over the years pass on their belongings to me and instead of leaving them to sit in a closet, I try to work them into my daily activities. I like to have reminders of the past around to be touched and enjoyed. I can never fully describe it, but I can actually feel my heart beat a bit faster when I know I’m holding something that has belonged to numerous people over the decades, I like to imagine who they were, what they did with the item, how they felt about it… I like to believe that if you give something a new purpose, you not only keep that something alive, you keep a bit of its previous owners alive too.
5.What was the best meal that you’ve ever eaten? Why? I hope the best meal I’ve ever had is yet to come, but for now, my faorite meals tend to have less to do with the food than they do the company it’s shared with and the memories that are made. I do have some favorite meals that didn’t include, well, myself or real food or actually being there…

- Top Girls by Caryl Churchill. This play opens with tough British feminist Marlene(quite different than a North American feminist, at least in the ’80’s) sitting in a restaurant with Isabella Bird, Pope Joan, Lady Nijo, Dull Gret and Patient Griselda. It is a dream sequence where the ladies from different points in history tell the stories of their undoings over many, many drinks.

-Tom Jones by Henry Fielding. In both the novel and the 1963 film adaptation, the dinner scene between Tom Jones and Sophie Western is hilarious. In the film, Thomas Finney is delightful as the young, lust driven Tom and the way they both tear into their food as though they were tearing into one another is laugh out loud funny.

-Stealing Beauty (1996). While I love, love this Liv Tyler flick, I’ve always enjoyed the scene where the household goes to the local pizzeria accompanied by the soldier stranded at the house with a broke down car. There is an older gentleman living with them who, for all accounts and purposes, is nuts and drifts in and out of awareness of reality. The family is trying to shield him from the soldier (and vice versa) to minimize the angry outbursts they know are coming. But then the soldier offers to walk him home and the old man accepts. It’s brief, but it’s great.

-When Harry Met Sally (1989). Who could forget the infamous orgasm scene in the diner. Meg Ryan (back when she was still Meg Ryan) faking an orgasm to prove that Billy Crystal isn’t as good in bed as he thinks? Truly memorable. And you have to love the lady at the end who orders whatever Sally is having.

-Everything is Illuminated (2005). Poor, poor vegetarian Jonathan (Elijah Wood) trying to order anything but sausage while exploring his family’s history in  Ukraine. When his potato (yes, singular) arrives then falls to the floor then ends up on the plate of the Grandfather. It’s sad and lovely all at the same time.

PS- still waiting for my camera battery to arrive in the mail… pictures, I miss the pictures!

Thinking.

For the past couple of days, I’ve been wandering around writing blog posts in my head. Which would have been fabulous if I had bothered to write any of it down. Sadly, I didn’t (as I always remember come exam time, my memory isn’t as good as I like to pretend it is).

So here are some random things I have been thinking lately:

*You know it’s cold when your contact lenses fog up when you go inside… when you’re at the bar and it seems more full than it really is because no one is taking their parkas off… when you look like a little old lady because your brown hair has frosted white from your breath… when you can’t remember the last time you took off your long johns… when you only style the bottom half of your hair because the top half will have a toque attached to it.

*It is disappointing when a lovely friend starts a lovely new relationship with another lovely person, only to go through a less than positive change in personality. She has changed, he hasn’t. Is it a strange compromise on her part? Is this a face she has created for the world outside her head, her “relationship face”? Or, and this is where I get concerned, is this who she has always wanted to be and her ’single gal persona’ was actually the created public face?

*I am on pins and needles waiting for the new battery for my new camera to arrive. As the camera was new to me (but old to someone else), the battery was sufficiently drained when I received it. Thankfully I had enough time with it to determine that yes, Mr. Circus is a peach and I love this piece of equipment. (ahem, the equipment would be the camera)

*I may have mentioned before, but we are currently “storing” a piece of exercise equipment for a friend. His apartment is being converted into condos meaning he will soon have to move. And as this equipment was simply taking up room in his hallway and holding up mounds of clothing, we offered to “store” it for him while he’s still in his apartment and while he moves.  While it isn’t the best (okay, it’s crap. It’s a Tony Little Gazelle.. ick), it gives us something to do over the next few months of winter while we wait for the streets to be bare and bike season to start up again.  So for now, we are trying to eat more vegetables (because that’s really as close as we get to ‘watching what we eat’) and using this scary machine a few times a week. Maybe I should have prefaced this blurb by saying “storing” this machine is currently our only plan for getting into wedding shape.

*This is one we all know, but time moves slowest when we are waiting for something specific. I’m waiting for Wednesday to get some news about a friend, and it’s hard to wait for the days to pass while also trying not to get your hopes up. Cryptic, I know, but that’s really all I have to say about that.

*Thinking of jumping on the themed day train… briefly thought about it, decided against it. My life is full of enough dead lines and “must do’s”, I don’t want to feel I must write about something specific. Then this would just feel like another essay. Blech.

*Speaking of essays, tomorrow I start my last semester of school. Ever. Because unlike friends of mine, I have zero plans on going to grad school. I realize my degree is useless as is and I’m prepared to deal with that. If I have to go to school again, I might just jump off a bridge. And there’s a pretty big one between home and school, so it would totally be a possibility. Yes, 4 months, about 120 days, in 6 essays, 8 (or 12) exams and numerous cups of coffee from now, I will have finally graduated from one of the most painful things I’ve done this wonderful experience.

Bon soir.

Relief.

Last night was, truly, wonderful. After the stress earlier in the day, once I bitched about it a bit, we were able to just motor on.

And it doesn’t hurt that my turkey, my very first turkey, was perfect! Not too dry, not too moist, but really, truly, perfect! I was so nervous about it I got Mr.Circus to carve it before people even arrived (bad form, I know). My plan was that if it turned out to be raw in the middle (somehow, I was convinced) then we could stick it all in the microwave before anyone saw my mess. But, happily, there was no need! Now our wishbone is drying in the kitchen and tomorrow there will be no evidence that a turkey was ever cooked in here. Yup, big eaters our friends, no left over turkey. Thank goodness my Dsquared pals brought over half a pig, because my 18lb turkey certainly would not have been enough.

And our decorating skills were appreciated as well. Every one complimented us on how festive and cozy our apartment looks.  I love my paper flower decorations and am thinking of keeping them year round (which was part of the reason that only two are Chrismassy colours and the rest are quite simply pretty).

6 bottles of wine, 30 cans of beer, 14lbs of mashed potatoes (okay, those we have copious amounts of leftovers in), 14 people, dozens of cookies, a nerf gun won in the secret santa, the guests mingling until 2:30 and a nice tingly feeling that we have hosted our first Christmas dinner. All in all, I don’t think I could have asked for anything more.

And speaking of feeling tingly and  sparkly and happy, I was on the receiving end of some oh so happy academic news this morning. It seems my classmates will be stuck with me for one last semester as I will not be taking the Dean’s Vacation. Yay!! As much as the idea of taking a break from exams and 8am classes and studying and essays was beginning to be nice, I really want to get this degree done and over with. So hooray, now I can finish up by spring and continue on with life as planned!

One last shift at work selling cards and toys and books and then I’m off for a few days of Christmas break. Almost there….

.Planning.

I’m trying to make a very important decision, and making very important decisions is not something I excel at. You see, I’m broke. And I’ve been broke for about the last, oh, 6 years for sure. That is the downside to being a student, there is just never enough money. And there is especially never enough money when the student loan you receive doesn’t even cover the rent for your semester. So here I am, mid-December, beginning to freak out over how I am going to pay rent at the end of the month (I do, however, have fingers crossed that Christmas money will be coming my way).

Let’s flash forward about nine months. I’m getting married.A smallish wedding is in the works (small in terms of ‘extras’, not as small as we’d hoped in terms of guests). Both of our parental units have been wonderful enough to fulfill their parental duties and have given us money for the wedding. Saying out budget is wee, I don’t mean to criticize or insult them, it is just the reality.

Even here, I can’t just come right out and say it because I’m always concerned with what people will think of me. Which isn’t entirely true, but at the same time manages to completely dictate some of my actions. I don’t care what people say about most things in my life – it’s my life and I like the way I live it and the people I choose to share it with. But when it comes to this, I get concerned. I can imagine my family (mostly my family, always my family) whispering things like “Oh, she’ll never finish” and “She’ll certainly regret this some day”. And they could totally be right.

So the decision I’m trying to make is whether or not to return to school in January.

The Facts:

*I have been a post secondary student more on than off since 2001.

*I am on academic probation for the second time, and if my marks don’t get up to a higher GPA by exams’ end, I’ll be on the Dean’s Vacation for the next year.

*I am, to put it bluntly, so over being a student. I will finish because I want the damned degree, but the the idea of being a full time student for any longer is giving me a headache.

*Assuming I pass all my classes this semester, I am only four (yep, 4) classes away from graduating.

And now the Feelings/notions:

*I am so tired of being a student, of never having enough money to be comfortable with bills and rent and groceries.

*I would love to start this next chapter (the married one) in just a little bit less debt than I am now.

*I think taking one class at a time would be great, totally manageable. Yes, it would be slow, but I would still finish, and (bonus) without driving myself completely insane.

*Working full time over the next nine months would mean that I could actually contribute money to our wedding and honeymoon. As it sits right now, the only thing I can contribute to the wedding is my excitement, my love and a warm body. (Yes, I do realize that dropping my full-time student status now would mean that student loans repayment will need to happen, but with a full-time job, I could do that!)

*I am terrified of what my parents will think. I’m an adult, totally capable of making my own, rational decision. But because my parents still play such an important role in my life (they are my best friends), their opinion of me is crucially important to me. And I know they will both say that I’m making a mistake, ‘quitting’ when I’m so close.

*I’m beginning to realize that I need to not put as much weight into my parents opinions of my life because, aha, it’s my life.

*I’m also concerned, very concerned, that my husband to be will have the same opinion. But maybe my lack of funds as of late will help him to realize why I think this is the best plan.

*Hmmm… I do think this is the best plan. Does that mean I’ve made up my mind? I think a conversation with my man, then a visit to my academic advisor/dear friend and I will have it finalized.

Crunch.

Now would be the portion of the entertainment when our heroin contemplates throwing herself off the balcony railings. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, it’s crunch time.

This the time of the school year when I lack motivation even more than I normally do (school wise), and that’s saying a lot. I hate the last weeks of classes, so many assignments due, stress over finals. I have three papers due next week; a 10,00 word essay, a 12 page essay and a (blessedly short) 6 page essay.

And I’ll admit that I’m a little concerned. Because at the moment, even while I’m trying to find quotations from articles and string together a sentence that is just the perfect length while giving enough information to sound like it’s leading somewhere but not giving away so much information that I don’t need to write another sentence to explain – because if I can’t find reason to write that second sentence, I don’t know how the hell I’m going to make it to the end of 10,000 words or 15 pages.

Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep the day after Hallowe’en and wake up a few days before Christmas, just in time for turkey and family.