Fear.

Today will (hopefully) be the last time I bitch and complain about my damned Tolkien class. The paper is handed in and the final exam is tomorrow. And as long as I get the mark I need, then yes, there will be graduation celebrations soon.
But first, I need to find a way to get all of the “First Age” crap into my brain in a fashion that relates it to the “Books of Lost Tales” as well as the “Unfinished Tales”. None of which, let me tell you, have I read in its entirety. Rather, I have skimmed the summarized notes found on countless Tolkien related web sites.
I’m feeling a little shaky. But hopefully over the next three hours I’ll make a dent in it. Because in three hours I have my last Theory class, then I’m once again making a poor studying decision and going for a ‘hooray to no more classes’ drink with my folks. Which will then leave me a couple hours tonight and up until 3:30 tomorrow.
So what I’m asking from all of you is to send me nice, peaceful, calming and intelligent vibes tomorrow afternoon as I sit down to write the final Tolkien essay.

Motivate.

Please, someone, smack me upside the head. I fear it’s the only thing that is going to motivate me into really writing this stinking Tolkien essay. Graduating this semester? Nope, not quite motivation enough. Requiring at least a final grade of C in my minor (English)? Naw, why would that push me to write a good essay?

As it stands, this will, at best, be an okay essay. As of late, I really haven’t been focused of speedy when it comes to writing. It took me all of Sunday and part of Monday to write a 1500 word paper on The Rez Sisters. I have a 3000 word essay due tomorrow. Oh, let me clarify that this is a minimum 3000 word essay. Like the monster my prof is, we’ve got 2000 words leeway to work with. Have five THOUSAND words worth of Tolkien stuff to put down on paper? Go for it!

I also don’t seem all that keen on going to class. They just can’t hold my interest any longer. I’m bored. I’m over it. My school friends all look at me like I’m crazy because right now they are all doing the “I got into the grad school of my choice” happy dance. I, on the other hand, am redoing my resume when I should be studying. I’m watching moving with the fianky when I should be reading articles. I’m hanging out with my friends when I should be writing essay.

It’s 9:35 am, and I have 101 words written. Let’s see how today goes, shall we?

2:00pm – 477 words

3:50 pm -696 words

6:30 – 1122 words. As well as a kudos from a fellow classmate on a well thought out topic.

10:06pm – 1764 words + works cited page

Did some research then went to bed. It’s now 7:37am, and I’m still at 1764. Argh!

Weighting.

(Let’s start with a delightful song on this delightful day)

Not too long ago, I posted about body image and my newly discovered struggle with my own.  Since then, I haven’t really changed the foods I eat or the amount of beer I drink. I haven’t really exercised much except a concerted effort in the past two weeks to get on the damn Gazelle at least three times a week. Did you click on the link? Yeah, that Gazelle. It sucks. But at least it has me moving.And, fingers crossed, it won’t be that long until I can hop on my bike again.

I have noticed that in the last three or so weeks, as I have been hesitant to step in front of a mirror for fear I wouldn’t like what I saw, other people apparently do like what they see. Now, to clarify, I’m under no delusions of being fat or anything like that. I weight almost the same, except my delightfully toned muscles what muscle I had has slowly been replaced by a fat-muscle combo, heavy on the fat. Really, I’m just a little rounder, a little softer. And while I am struggling with being out of shape and being a different shape, the rest of the world seems to like it. Or more specifically, people of the male persuasion.

As of late, I have been hit on, flirted with and been given more deals by men than I can really ever remember.  I got free extra everything at PitaPit yesterday (yeah, that’s right, give me more food. because that’s what I really need!), when standing in line, men have been letting me go ahead of them and one even offered to pay for something when I realized was a few cents short and would have to pay with debit. I normally shy away from flirtatious behaviour (when it’s genuine) because it makes me uncomfortable. I’m never really sure how to react. But right now, I’m letting myself enjoy it. If I can’t enjoy the body I’m in right now, it’s nice to know that what I’m feeling on the inside isn’t necessarily how it is on the outside.

Bad to base some of my current self-confidence on the attention of men? Possibly. Do I really care at this juncture? Not at all.

Yesterday I finished my last ever academic presentation, and I nailed it! I presented on a book that did a historical analysis of the circumcision ritual in Madagascar and I blew everyone out of the water. The girl who presented last week didn’t just bomb, she actually cheated! It’s a minimum fifteen minute presentation that must be done completely from memory. That means no notes but she had her book, her binder and her notes spread out before her. And really, I got the vibe that she hadn’t even read it but maybe wiki’d it instead. (wiki’d? wikie’d? how do you put the shortened version of wikipedia into the past tense?)Now all I have is three research papers and four exams and I will be d-o-n-e. Of course those papers are all due by the end of the month, and I haven’t even chosen a topic as of yet. But today that will not bother me. Because today, the sun is shining, it just might hit +3, and I have stopped really caring about my Tolkien class so now there is much less stress.

Here’s hoping that Thursday is swell for everyone!

Jam.

No, not the delightful home made raspberry jam that my Aunt L gave us for Christmas. And not the bland kind you get in restaurants in those little containers with no expiry dates.

Not edible jam at all.

Rather, in a jam. As in I am. In a jam.

It’s this damned Tolkien class. Today I presented on The Farmer Giles of Ham. And it was fine. Not really deep or researched, but I talked about what he had told me to talk about. Myself and two other students presented, and at the end of the presentation portion of the class, he said “Now that we’re done with those three good, not great, but good presentations, we’ll move on to discussion”. I’m fine with good. To me, good is great.Good is far better than meh, and leaps and bounds beyond weak. Good is just fine. That part, obviously, was not the jam.

The jam came during the discussion portion. Which lasted just over two hours (why, oh why couldn’t our presentations had been longer than 15 minutes each!!).You see, as I think I have mentioned, I’m a Tolkien virgin. And being dropped into a 400 level English seminar class is rather like taking a senior level language class (say Latin or Greek) without ever taking the intro courses. I am truly in over my head because I do not speak the language. I’m trying, I’m using all the online sources I can find and am hoping to get my hands on some Cliff Notes for Tolkien material. But it’s not just the fact that I don’t comprehend it.

It’s the lack of comprehension combined with the sheer volume of material that he expects us to cover week to week. Even if this were my only class, I would still struggle with it. Even if this were my only class and I lived a life of leisure and didn’t have to work, I would still struggle with it.

And it’s obvious that I struggle. Because the other kids in my class are all English majors who have spent the past four years of their schooling memorizing Norse and Greek and Egyptian mythology. So not only do they simply understand the material, they are comparing each character and the relations between characters to their Norse/Greek/Egyptian/Celtic counter parts.

And that is what I mean by jam.